Over-rated Michael J. Fox

Now this may come off like I’m hating Michael J Fox, but that couldn’t be further from the truth. The dude has entertained me with one character for years.

Seriously, has anyone noticed that he played one character for 15 years? The guy didn’t age from 1985 till 2000. He played the same character in Back to the Future and it’s 2 sequels, and that was filmed over a period of 5 years. I don’t know about anyone else, but 5 years ago I looked pretty different, mostly skinnier. Just about every movie that he’s been in, he plays the same character; a down on your luck nerdy type who has to stand up to some sort of bully guy and at the end scores the chick.

He is like the 80’s version of Adam Sandler and Will Ferrell. Maybe not to the extreme that Will Ferrell takes it though. But you get my point.

I do love Michael J Fox though. In fact I just got done watching Teen Wolf, the most ridiculous movie in the history of film. He sucks at basketball, figures out he can turn into a wolf, gets good at basketball, then decides not to turn into a wolf anymore and is now good at basketball. That’s the premise for a movie? And I thought Hollywood today was out of control. But it’s entertaining, it doesn’t try to be anything it isn’t. It’s a weird crazy movie and that’s why I love it.

 

Horse Face and the Sea Turtles

Sex in the City became a movie this weekend, much to the disappointment of penis’ everywhere. It was fine when these old ugly chicks were on small TVs, but now they are on 25 foot screens.

I discussed, more like yelled about how shitty this movie is, with some girls I work with. None of them would agree with me that these chicks are as far from attractiveas they could possibly be. They would try to tell me that so-and-so is hot and a slut, but they would use their Sex in the City name so I’d have no idea who they were talking about. My head almost exploded. 

Seriously, who wants to see shriveled up old hags on a huge ass screen hooking up with dudes? Not me, I’ll tell you that. They should use this movie in Guantanamo to torture the terrorists, they would tell everything they knew after five minutes of this shit fest.

Some would say, “Steve how can you hate a movie you’ve never seen?”

To which I’d reply, “If I want to see horses I watch horse racing. At least then I can gamble on the outcome.”

I’d rather not have sex if those four broads were my choices.

 

We’re Going to Need a Bigger Boat

I read this story earlier today and I almost fell out of my chair laughing. This kid got “attacked” by a shark in his bedroom.

The “attack” happened at 14-year-old Sam Hawthorne’s home in Dudley, England.

Hawthorne was sleepwalking when the teeth of a dead souvenir shark from a family vacation, that hangs on the wall of his nautical-themed bedroom, became embedded in his face.

This kid slept walked into a shark head. What an idiot! Seriously, why would you put a shark’s head at face level? Do you do parlor tricks with it? Like sticking your head into it to impress your friends, or throwing pieces of food into it’s mouth?

“It was like something out of a horror film,” she said. “The shark must have been embedded in Sam’s cheek for about 15 minutes and he was in a lot of pain.”

A horror film. Hmmm. I guess if the horror film was one where you just walk into sharp ass things, then yeah, it’s just like a horror film.

This kid needs to be reminded how stupid he is at least 58 times a day, he should also have to wear a helmet.

Soft Core Blows

I love 3 day weekends. Friday I drank a bunch of beer with my neighbors and planned on relaxing on Saturday, plans change I suppose. I got a call from my good friend Jeff. He called to tell me to come over because he and another one of my friends, Justin grilled up to much food and I was needed to help. So I did what any aspiring fat person would do, I got my ass over there.

I get there and am greeted with a beer and a brat. We stood around and had interesting conversations about taking shits, lesbians, and taking shits on people. I told them both my goal is to bang a lesbian, then Jeff had to be a one-upper and tell me he already did that. (jerk) Then told me about a “lesbian” he knows that takes naked photos, which he never showed me, but doesn’t show “the goods.” He told me she gets a lot of money just to show her boobs.

WHO LOOKS AT THIS STUFF?!?

Soft Core porn is the worst! It’s like a lap dance when you can’t touch the stripper. What is the point? Soft Core porn should be outlawed, and the people who watch it should be punched in the neck. What can you possible get out of seeing half naked chicks and nothing hardcore? Wast of time if you ask me.

Did you all have a good Memorial Day weekend? Are you a supporter of Soft Core porn?

Another Day

It happened again

Flat tire in the rain

How can I explain, why I am late again

I don’t know

Hit up the Gas N’ Go

Fill up the tank, but the account balance is on zero

 Gotta beg and plead

for the cash I need

in a rush, and damn sure late

i might as well be going to the Aloha State

going crazy, banging my head on the wheel

the roads are slipperier than a banana peel

 i can feel, myself losing control

—

then i hear the tone

on my cell phone

and all the bad goes away

its a text from her

telling me to have a great day

—

the sky opened up the sun shone through

it stopped raining and the sky turned blue

 the birds start to sing

i start to feel just like a king

That Mummy is my Sister and McDonald’s is Dumb

I haven’t been keeping up with the news lately since I’ve been working a lot. I decided to check out a few stories to see if I could find anything blog worthy. Well this story stuck out.

Apparently an 80 year old woman was living with her sister’s mummified body. She died around 3 years ago. Yes, 3 years ago. The mummy was in the kitchen, possibly the worst spot for a dead body, partially eaten from the dog and cat and covered by news papers. Did this lady get a clean up lesson from Big Daddy? Seriously, everyone knows that if you want to get rid of a body you put it in your trunk wrapped in a blanket and throw it into a river. I thought that was common knowledge. Sheesh.

This is my favorite part of the story.

The Detroit Free Press says authorities removed the surviving sister Wednesday night and took her to a crisis center. She is also aged in her 80s and appears to have mental problems.

Seriously? You really think she has mental problems? What was your first guess? THE DEAD LADY IN HER KITCHEN MAYBE?!?! Jesus Christ, give me a break. Of course she’s crazy. Even Stevie Wonder can see that she is crazy.

————-

Today on my lunch break I went to McDonald’s. I’m not a huge fan but decided to go against my better judgement. I drive there and see a huge line for the drive thru and decide to go in.

No customers, awesome.

WRONG.

Not awesome. Not even close.

Why do they have the dumbest people work the registers at fast food places? That’s the second most important job there damn it! Have the idiots sweep the floors and throw those urinal cakes in the urinals, don’t have them take my order.

I order my food, 2 mc chickens NO MAYO and a 4 piece mcnugget.

I see my receipt on the counter in front of me and see this lady didn’t specify I wanted no mayo. So I asked her nicely in a calm tone if she put no mayo on my food.

“No. You didn’t say you wanted no mayo.”

“Yeah I did.” Why the hell would I want something on my food that I don’t even like!? You’d think I’d remember that. It took all my energy not to jump over the counter at this lady.

Then it happened. I heard one of the dumbest things I’ve ever heard. The lady who brought me my food heard me telling the other lady about the “mayo incident” and asked me “would you like me to make you 2 new ones without mayo?”

My brain almost exploded.

Why would I want you to get my order right? That would just make sense lady. I just wanted to start choking people right there in the middle of McDonald’s. I guess good help is hard to find.