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    • Cancer Free, The Way to Be January 17, 2008
      More proof that beer is good for you.  Researchers in Germany say that a cancer-fighting substance found in hops could be enhanced to brew a special anti-cancer beer. I don’t think I’ve read a better story all year. I know the year is young, but the only news that could be better would be “Drinking […]
      Steve
    • Flaming Shot January 10, 2008
      The flaming shot. It’s an amateur move for sure, but it looks cool. The problem is that a lot of people don’t know how to take this shot. They can make it, and light it on fire and that’s where their “smartness” ends. Example 1 This dude is not smart. And the chick that says […]
      Steve
    • Don’t Just Drink it January 8, 2008
      We all love beer right? RIGHT!? Well not only is beer delicious and good for you, but it can be used for all sorts of things that aren’t drinking related. Here is the story. Below I have chosen some of my favorites; CLEAR UP BROWN SPOTS IN YOUR LAWN According to Andrew Lopez, a professional […]
      Steve
    • A Drink a Day Keeps the Doctor Away January 3, 2008
      Health benefits from alcohol? Damn right! According to scientists (not just random drunk people anymore), alcohol in moderation is actually good for you. They say that one alcoholic drink a day will help with all kinds of stuff. Your heart Your pancreas Your Joints Your over all health Sometimes I like to combine 2 weeks […]
      Steve
    • About Bloody Time January 2, 2008
      After a night of hard drinking you will wake up either drunk or hung-over. Being drunk is not the problem, it’s the coming down from being drunk and being hung-over that is the problem. The solution; a Bloody Mary. There are 3 types of morning drinkers. There is the person who drinks a Bloody Mary, a […]
      Steve
    • DWI of the Year January 1, 2008
      Here at Don’t Eat the Worm we don’t condone drinking and driving. It is a dumb and reckless move that can cost not only you your life but an innocent person. (Not saying you’re guilty.) BUT Meagan Harper is now a god in DWI/DUI circles. She was busted in Oregon with a .55 BAC. The […]
      Steve
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Snow sucks.

Snow storms are the worst. Seriously if you like snow storms you are an asshole.

Snow storms start off beautiful. You see giant white flakes falling slowly from the sky. It’s so wonderful; look at all the kids catching snow flakes on their tongues.

Then it continues…..It doesn’t stop. It keeps snowing and snowing. You want to leave your house but you can’t. Why can’t you? You can’t because there is a 3 foot drift in front of your car. Oh and you have to shovel your sidewalk. And you better ice your sidewalk so some jackass doesn’t slip and fall on it and tell you to lawyer up.

In conclusion, snow sucks. If you like snow you are an asshole.

Global Warming?

I think you might have missed something Al Gore. Seriously. Right now it is 2 degrees above 0, this is the first time in 3 days that it has been above 0. For the past few days it’s been at least – 10. I don’t know if a lot of you have been in around anything that cold so let me break it down for your.

At 0 – Pretty cold, but manageable.

At – 5 – Cold. You don’t really want to go all that far, and the wind cuts through most light clothing like a hot knife through butter.

At – 10 – COLD. Seriously don’t even go out side. And if you do, stay in your warm car.

At – 15 – If you’re out doing anything but going to work you’re an idiot. Seriously, you’re dumb.

At – 20 – Kill youreself. Just do it. Death is way warmer than this.

At – 25 – Things just stop working. Cars barely work, ice just magically appears on the roads. I’m pretty sure this is the 8th sign of the appocolypse.

 

Sorry for the lack of blogs. Been kind of busy playing with myself and all. If you want to know what I’m up to on a daily or even hourly basis follow me on twitter. Or to see me talk and make fun of things in 12 second video clips follow me here.

Your Jacket Needs to Go.

On my way home from work today I looked to my right as I sped past a bunch of fools, and saw the biggest douche nozzle I’ve ever seen. He was wearing a Letterman Jacket, not only was he wearing one of the gayest jackets ever made, next to the technicolor-ed dream coat obviously, but it had the number 07 on the shoulder.

ZERO-SEVEN!!!

Are you kidding me right now!? Seriously? You’re going to wear a jacket with the 07 on the shoulder when you aren’t in school anymore and it’s almost 2009? I thought I was having flash backs to my proverbial “Haight-Ashbury” days.

Ditch the jacket dude, seriously. And if you don’t, and I see you, I’m kicking your ass.

Ow My Ass.

Why do they make toilet paper that isn’t soft? Seriously, that shit hurts. You are better off taking a piece of news paper and wiping with it than using some of the toilet paper they have out there.

And why is it, that when ever your shit isn’t solid and you take a dump that isn’t at your house (where you have excellent toilet paper that feels like angels are touching your.) you end up using toilet paper that you can see through? I thought the whole idea behind toilet paper was to get the shit off of your ass and into the toilet with out it touching your hand. Am I missing something here?

Is There Something Behind Me?

I haven’t been around here much. Not because I don’t want to be but because I’m actually busy at work now and I don’t have a computer at home. But I was reminded today by a few people that people actually miss my “blog.” So I will share a story of what happened to me today.

Today was a shitty day. Not only did I have to work but my legs hurt and my foot is all cut up from a wedding on the beach I went to this weekend, so I walked around all day with a gangster limp. People thought I was a retard. That could be because of the way I look, but I’m going to pretend it was because of my walking.

So after a day from hell I get in my car that is hotter than an oven. Seriously, I put half my body in and I was almost cooked. After almost passing out from heat exhaustion I drove out of the parking lot with talk radio on. I looked in my rear view mirror and noticed it vibrating like I was jammin to some hard-core gangster rap music, only I was just listening to ESPN Radio. I’m not really to worried about it as I’m flying down the interstate, but then all of a sudden it just pops off and is hanging there by a cord. I don’t know if you’ve ever driven with out a rear view mirror, let me tell you, it is weird. So I drove about 10 minutes to an auto parts store to get some glue and shit to fix it, but until I got there I probably looked like the biggest idiot ever.

Horse Face and the Sea Turtles

Sex in the City became a movie this weekend, much to the disappointment of penis’ everywhere. It was fine when these old ugly chicks were on small TVs, but now they are on 25 foot screens.

I discussed, more like yelled about how shitty this movie is, with some girls I work with. None of them would agree with me that these chicks are as far from attractiveas they could possibly be. They would try to tell me that so-and-so is hot and a slut, but they would use their Sex in the City name so I’d have no idea who they were talking about. My head almost exploded. 

Seriously, who wants to see shriveled up old hags on a huge ass screen hooking up with dudes? Not me, I’ll tell you that. They should use this movie in Guantanamo to torture the terrorists, they would tell everything they knew after five minutes of this shit fest.

Some would say, “Steve how can you hate a movie you’ve never seen?”

To which I’d reply, “If I want to see horses I watch horse racing. At least then I can gamble on the outcome.”

I’d rather not have sex if those four broads were my choices.

 

That Mummy is my Sister and McDonald’s is Dumb

I haven’t been keeping up with the news lately since I’ve been working a lot. I decided to check out a few stories to see if I could find anything blog worthy. Well this story stuck out.

Apparently an 80 year old woman was living with her sister’s mummified body. She died around 3 years ago. Yes, 3 years ago. The mummy was in the kitchen, possibly the worst spot for a dead body, partially eaten from the dog and cat and covered by news papers. Did this lady get a clean up lesson from Big Daddy? Seriously, everyone knows that if you want to get rid of a body you put it in your trunk wrapped in a blanket and throw it into a river. I thought that was common knowledge. Sheesh.

This is my favorite part of the story.

The Detroit Free Press says authorities removed the surviving sister Wednesday night and took her to a crisis center. She is also aged in her 80s and appears to have mental problems.

Seriously? You really think she has mental problems? What was your first guess? THE DEAD LADY IN HER KITCHEN MAYBE?!?! Jesus Christ, give me a break. Of course she’s crazy. Even Stevie Wonder can see that she is crazy.

————-

Today on my lunch break I went to McDonald’s. I’m not a huge fan but decided to go against my better judgement. I drive there and see a huge line for the drive thru and decide to go in.

No customers, awesome.

WRONG.

Not awesome. Not even close.

Why do they have the dumbest people work the registers at fast food places? That’s the second most important job there damn it! Have the idiots sweep the floors and throw those urinal cakes in the urinals, don’t have them take my order.

I order my food, 2 mc chickens NO MAYO and a 4 piece mcnugget.

I see my receipt on the counter in front of me and see this lady didn’t specify I wanted no mayo. So I asked her nicely in a calm tone if she put no mayo on my food.

“No. You didn’t say you wanted no mayo.”

“Yeah I did.” Why the hell would I want something on my food that I don’t even like!? You’d think I’d remember that. It took all my energy not to jump over the counter at this lady.

Then it happened. I heard one of the dumbest things I’ve ever heard. The lady who brought me my food heard me telling the other lady about the “mayo incident” and asked me “would you like me to make you 2 new ones without mayo?”

My brain almost exploded.

Why would I want you to get my order right? That would just make sense lady. I just wanted to start choking people right there in the middle of McDonald’s. I guess good help is hard to find.