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    • Cancer Free, The Way to Be January 17, 2008
      More proof that beer is good for you.  Researchers in Germany say that a cancer-fighting substance found in hops could be enhanced to brew a special anti-cancer beer. I don’t think I’ve read a better story all year. I know the year is young, but the only news that could be better would be “Drinking […]
      Steve
    • Flaming Shot January 10, 2008
      The flaming shot. It’s an amateur move for sure, but it looks cool. The problem is that a lot of people don’t know how to take this shot. They can make it, and light it on fire and that’s where their “smartness” ends. Example 1 This dude is not smart. And the chick that says […]
      Steve
    • Don’t Just Drink it January 8, 2008
      We all love beer right? RIGHT!? Well not only is beer delicious and good for you, but it can be used for all sorts of things that aren’t drinking related. Here is the story. Below I have chosen some of my favorites; CLEAR UP BROWN SPOTS IN YOUR LAWN According to Andrew Lopez, a professional […]
      Steve
    • A Drink a Day Keeps the Doctor Away January 3, 2008
      Health benefits from alcohol? Damn right! According to scientists (not just random drunk people anymore), alcohol in moderation is actually good for you. They say that one alcoholic drink a day will help with all kinds of stuff. Your heart Your pancreas Your Joints Your over all health Sometimes I like to combine 2 weeks […]
      Steve
    • About Bloody Time January 2, 2008
      After a night of hard drinking you will wake up either drunk or hung-over. Being drunk is not the problem, it’s the coming down from being drunk and being hung-over that is the problem. The solution; a Bloody Mary. There are 3 types of morning drinkers. There is the person who drinks a Bloody Mary, a […]
      Steve
    • DWI of the Year January 1, 2008
      Here at Don’t Eat the Worm we don’t condone drinking and driving. It is a dumb and reckless move that can cost not only you your life but an innocent person. (Not saying you’re guilty.) BUT Meagan Harper is now a god in DWI/DUI circles. She was busted in Oregon with a .55 BAC. The […]
      Steve
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Snow sucks.

Snow storms are the worst. Seriously if you like snow storms you are an asshole.

Snow storms start off beautiful. You see giant white flakes falling slowly from the sky. It’s so wonderful; look at all the kids catching snow flakes on their tongues.

Then it continues…..It doesn’t stop. It keeps snowing and snowing. You want to leave your house but you can’t. Why can’t you? You can’t because there is a 3 foot drift in front of your car. Oh and you have to shovel your sidewalk. And you better ice your sidewalk so some jackass doesn’t slip and fall on it and tell you to lawyer up.

In conclusion, snow sucks. If you like snow you are an asshole.

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Soft Core Blows

I love 3 day weekends. Friday I drank a bunch of beer with my neighbors and planned on relaxing on Saturday, plans change I suppose. I got a call from my good friend Jeff. He called to tell me to come over because he and another one of my friends, Justin grilled up to much food and I was needed to help. So I did what any aspiring fat person would do, I got my ass over there.

I get there and am greeted with a beer and a brat. We stood around and had interesting conversations about taking shits, lesbians, and taking shits on people. I told them both my goal is to bang a lesbian, then Jeff had to be a one-upper and tell me he already did that. (jerk) Then told me about a “lesbian” he knows that takes naked photos, which he never showed me, but doesn’t show “the goods.” He told me she gets a lot of money just to show her boobs.

WHO LOOKS AT THIS STUFF?!?

Soft Core porn is the worst! It’s like a lap dance when you can’t touch the stripper. What is the point? Soft Core porn should be outlawed, and the people who watch it should be punched in the neck. What can you possible get out of seeing half naked chicks and nothing hardcore? Wast of time if you ask me.

Did you all have a good Memorial Day weekend? Are you a supporter of Soft Core porn?

When Food Goes Bad

I found this post while clicking through some links tonight. It is the top ten drunk college foods. It reminded me of a few years ago when I lived with a few roommates.

I had an apartment that I shared with a friend (Nate) and his girlfriend (Breena). A mutual friends, but mostly their friend (Ugly, yes that’s what we called him.) was staying on our couch. We used to have a lot of parties. A lot of them. And our fridge was like Craig’s from Friday. You know, “peanut butter no jelly, Kool-aid no sugar, ham no burger” you get the idea. Nothing ever matched in our fridge.

Usually after everyone would be passed out on one of our drinking nights, you could look in the kitchen and see Ugly cooking something up. What that something was was always the question.

Pop tart sandwiches? Seen it.

Cereal in a soft shell taco? Yep.

Anything Ramen? Of course.

I was never hungry enough to try any of these “meals.” Ugly used to say they were the best things ever, so I guess I’ll just have to take his word for it.

What is the worst thing you’ve ever eaten in a drunken state?

Reason Number 89 Why I Didn’t go to College

 Read my new blog about the Danica Patrick photo spread in Sports Illistrated.

____________________ 

I read this on The Smoking Gun and laughed.

College is so lame, and frats are even lamer. For being in college these kids are pretty stupid. They trashed motel rooms and got caught. Losers. What the Hell were they doing in a motel room anyways? Did they have hookers or something? The cops didn’t find any used condoms on the floor so I’m assuming they didn’t have any real fun. How much fun can you have with a bunch of guys in a room with a keg and bottles of liquor? Well I guess you can trash the room and get caught and charged with a felony. That’s really fun. I’m shocked none of these guys are wearing a teal shirt.

Also, they had a keg of beer, but not just any beer. Keystone Light.

keystone.jpg

Why would you fill a keg with this trash? I would rather have a monkey pee in my mouth than drink Keystone Light. Seriously, why? Were they all out of PBR or Schlits?

I’m actually surprised that there was no naked guys involved. Usually when you hear “frat pledges busted” they are usually caught doing some gay shit so they can be part of a group of closet gays. No thanks I say.

What’s the Deal?

What is with all of the anti alcohol stories in the news today?

This guy is arrested for selling collector bottles of Jack Daniels. Seriously, aren’t there things that government should be worrying about?

 The President is sober. Something about a “higher power.” Maybe weed? Probably coke. Possibly whip-its.

This no talent actress (Sean Taylor) heckles some guy I’ve never heard of (Julian Schnabel) at some award show I never saw. Who cares about this? Comedians get heckled all the time.

DUI’s on a lawn mower. The guy just needed to get to the liquor store. What’s wrong with cutting a little grass on the way?

The news really needs to lighten up on the anti alcohol stories. I know it’s a slow news day and all, but geeze, leave us drinkers out of it.

Not Another One…

I think maybe the years and years of alcohol abuse have finally caught up to me. My brain probably looks like a grey gelatinous blob floating in a sea of whiskey, all inside of my head. That is the only reason I can think of as to why I’m having these strange dreams. This most recent one, not as sick and disgusting as the one I shit my pants in, is just as strange.

The dream starts with me driving down the interstate. I’m not sure which one, I do know I was driving fast (like in real life). I pull up on 2 cars driving side by side blocking both lanes. Being in a hurry to nowhere I decided to drive between both of these cars. Well as soon as I do that the road gets all wet, like it just rained, and my car goes from front wheel drive to rear wheel. The back end of my car slides out, side swipes the car on my left and makes the car crash into the barrier on the median. I like the nice guy I am, drive off.

But here comes the strange part. I’m suddenly transported to a residential area straight out of The Burbs’. What was I doing you ask? Great question. I was, if my memory is correct, walking an invisible dog.

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

So as I’m walking this stupid thing I see the girl I side-swiped and she’s talking to a lawyer that looks like Gloria Allred. I knew these crazy broads were plotting against me so I started to spy on them. Apparently my spy skills are no where near James Bond and I was spotted in seconds. These crazy ladies start yelling at me about a great case against me and all sorts of other non-sense. I deny everything, telling her it was her fault, and running away. She chases me and starts screaming about her injury. So I stop and ask to see it. She proceeds to hold her hands up, palms facing her, and on her knuckles it says, tattooed in dark black ink “FUCK YOU.”

And that’s when I woke up.

Even in my dreams, women are crazy.

Survey says “DDR is lame” and Week 5 picks…

Last month Minnesota had their State Fair. Like an idiot I went. After a couple few beers my buddy and I saw a group of nerds in all their glory, surrounding a DDR machine and cheering the dude that was dancing. Being the asshole I am I had to get a look at this and add my 2 cents. So after getting another beer (which cost me $6.25 by the way.) I made my way over to the game and witnessed the gayest thing I’ve ever seen in my life. So after laughing for about 20 minutes I started blurting out sarcastic comments.

“Oh man, this game is the COOLEST!”

“Man, I’ve never seen moves like that before.”

Then I saw it. A hat with money in it. Yes, these clowns wanted tips to play a video game. These guys were in some sort of “crew” and thought they were in Japan where everyone loves those lame ass games. Sorry to disappoint you guys, but in Minnesota we do not like that garbage. If I would have been drunker I would have taken their hat and punch them all in their necks. Instead I took a “scientific” poll. The question went something like “Now after seeing this guy dance is he more or less attractive?”

3 out of 3 girls agreed that he was less attractive.

So if any of you play DDR or were wanting to play, just remember…Chicks don’t dig guys that play that shit, and the ones that do are probably all nasty looking anyways.

Now on to the week 5 picks. I don’t remember what I went last week, and I’m too tired to go back and check. But so far for the season I’m 39 – 23.  As always, my picks are bold.

  • Carolina at NEW ORLEANS
  • Jacksonville at KANSAS CITY
  • Detroit at WASHINGTON
  • Atlantaat TENNESSEE
  • Miami at HOUSTON
  • Seattle at PITTSBURGH
  • Cleveland’s at NEW ENGLAND
  • Arizona at ST. LOUIS
  • New York (Jets) at NEW YORK (Giants)
  • Tampa Bay at INDY
  • San Diego at DENVER
  • Baltimore at SAN FRAN
  • Chicago at GREEN BAY
  • Dallas at BUFFALO