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    • Cancer Free, The Way to Be January 17, 2008
      More proof that beer is good for you.  Researchers in Germany say that a cancer-fighting substance found in hops could be enhanced to brew a special anti-cancer beer. I don’t think I’ve read a better story all year. I know the year is young, but the only news that could be better would be “Drinking […]
      Steve
    • Flaming Shot January 10, 2008
      The flaming shot. It’s an amateur move for sure, but it looks cool. The problem is that a lot of people don’t know how to take this shot. They can make it, and light it on fire and that’s where their “smartness” ends. Example 1 This dude is not smart. And the chick that says […]
      Steve
    • Don’t Just Drink it January 8, 2008
      We all love beer right? RIGHT!? Well not only is beer delicious and good for you, but it can be used for all sorts of things that aren’t drinking related. Here is the story. Below I have chosen some of my favorites; CLEAR UP BROWN SPOTS IN YOUR LAWN According to Andrew Lopez, a professional […]
      Steve
    • A Drink a Day Keeps the Doctor Away January 3, 2008
      Health benefits from alcohol? Damn right! According to scientists (not just random drunk people anymore), alcohol in moderation is actually good for you. They say that one alcoholic drink a day will help with all kinds of stuff. Your heart Your pancreas Your Joints Your over all health Sometimes I like to combine 2 weeks […]
      Steve
    • About Bloody Time January 2, 2008
      After a night of hard drinking you will wake up either drunk or hung-over. Being drunk is not the problem, it’s the coming down from being drunk and being hung-over that is the problem. The solution; a Bloody Mary. There are 3 types of morning drinkers. There is the person who drinks a Bloody Mary, a […]
      Steve
    • DWI of the Year January 1, 2008
      Here at Don’t Eat the Worm we don’t condone drinking and driving. It is a dumb and reckless move that can cost not only you your life but an innocent person. (Not saying you’re guilty.) BUT Meagan Harper is now a god in DWI/DUI circles. She was busted in Oregon with a .55 BAC. The […]
      Steve
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Your Jacket Needs to Go.

On my way home from work today I looked to my right as I sped past a bunch of fools, and saw the biggest douche nozzle I’ve ever seen. He was wearing a Letterman Jacket, not only was he wearing one of the gayest jackets ever made, next to the technicolor-ed dream coat obviously, but it had the number 07 on the shoulder.

ZERO-SEVEN!!!

Are you kidding me right now!? Seriously? You’re going to wear a jacket with the 07 on the shoulder when you aren’t in school anymore and it’s almost 2009? I thought I was having flash backs to my proverbial “Haight-Ashbury” days.

Ditch the jacket dude, seriously. And if you don’t, and I see you, I’m kicking your ass.

That Mummy is my Sister and McDonald’s is Dumb

I haven’t been keeping up with the news lately since I’ve been working a lot. I decided to check out a few stories to see if I could find anything blog worthy. Well this story stuck out.

Apparently an 80 year old woman was living with her sister’s mummified body. She died around 3 years ago. Yes, 3 years ago. The mummy was in the kitchen, possibly the worst spot for a dead body, partially eaten from the dog and cat and covered by news papers. Did this lady get a clean up lesson from Big Daddy? Seriously, everyone knows that if you want to get rid of a body you put it in your trunk wrapped in a blanket and throw it into a river. I thought that was common knowledge. Sheesh.

This is my favorite part of the story.

The Detroit Free Press says authorities removed the surviving sister Wednesday night and took her to a crisis center. She is also aged in her 80s and appears to have mental problems.

Seriously? You really think she has mental problems? What was your first guess? THE DEAD LADY IN HER KITCHEN MAYBE?!?! Jesus Christ, give me a break. Of course she’s crazy. Even Stevie Wonder can see that she is crazy.

————-

Today on my lunch break I went to McDonald’s. I’m not a huge fan but decided to go against my better judgement. I drive there and see a huge line for the drive thru and decide to go in.

No customers, awesome.

WRONG.

Not awesome. Not even close.

Why do they have the dumbest people work the registers at fast food places? That’s the second most important job there damn it! Have the idiots sweep the floors and throw those urinal cakes in the urinals, don’t have them take my order.

I order my food, 2 mc chickens NO MAYO and a 4 piece mcnugget.

I see my receipt on the counter in front of me and see this lady didn’t specify I wanted no mayo. So I asked her nicely in a calm tone if she put no mayo on my food.

“No. You didn’t say you wanted no mayo.”

“Yeah I did.” Why the hell would I want something on my food that I don’t even like!? You’d think I’d remember that. It took all my energy not to jump over the counter at this lady.

Then it happened. I heard one of the dumbest things I’ve ever heard. The lady who brought me my food heard me telling the other lady about the “mayo incident” and asked me “would you like me to make you 2 new ones without mayo?”

My brain almost exploded.

Why would I want you to get my order right? That would just make sense lady. I just wanted to start choking people right there in the middle of McDonald’s. I guess good help is hard to find.

If you “txt” me, spell words normal!…

I used to hate text messaging. I used to never use it, I never had it on my plan. People used to send me texts just to piss me off.

Now, I text all the time. Mostly because I never answer my phone. The thing is, I text like I type and talk. I use FULL words. I don’t make it difficult for people to read my texts. I can’t stand all of those abbreviations. They make me want to punch little kids.

So if you ever text me, please spell out the words. It may take you an extra 30 seconds, but you’ll be saving a child.

——–

My shoes stink. Bad. I need new ones. I’m going to the mall today to get some.

——–

Word of the Day –

Hot Carla

licking a woman’s vagina while she defecates in the toilet.

Survey says “DDR is lame” and Week 5 picks…

Last month Minnesota had their State Fair. Like an idiot I went. After a couple few beers my buddy and I saw a group of nerds in all their glory, surrounding a DDR machine and cheering the dude that was dancing. Being the asshole I am I had to get a look at this and add my 2 cents. So after getting another beer (which cost me $6.25 by the way.) I made my way over to the game and witnessed the gayest thing I’ve ever seen in my life. So after laughing for about 20 minutes I started blurting out sarcastic comments.

“Oh man, this game is the COOLEST!”

“Man, I’ve never seen moves like that before.”

Then I saw it. A hat with money in it. Yes, these clowns wanted tips to play a video game. These guys were in some sort of “crew” and thought they were in Japan where everyone loves those lame ass games. Sorry to disappoint you guys, but in Minnesota we do not like that garbage. If I would have been drunker I would have taken their hat and punch them all in their necks. Instead I took a “scientific” poll. The question went something like “Now after seeing this guy dance is he more or less attractive?”

3 out of 3 girls agreed that he was less attractive.

So if any of you play DDR or were wanting to play, just remember…Chicks don’t dig guys that play that shit, and the ones that do are probably all nasty looking anyways.

Now on to the week 5 picks. I don’t remember what I went last week, and I’m too tired to go back and check. But so far for the season I’m 39 – 23.  As always, my picks are bold.

  • Carolina at NEW ORLEANS
  • Jacksonville at KANSAS CITY
  • Detroit at WASHINGTON
  • Atlantaat TENNESSEE
  • Miami at HOUSTON
  • Seattle at PITTSBURGH
  • Cleveland’s at NEW ENGLAND
  • Arizona at ST. LOUIS
  • New York (Jets) at NEW YORK (Giants)
  • Tampa Bay at INDY
  • San Diego at DENVER
  • Baltimore at SAN FRAN
  • Chicago at GREEN BAY
  • Dallas at BUFFALO

Hurry up and buy…

I went to the gas station near my house like I do every night before work and got stuck behind some lady. After hearing what this lady was babbling about I instantly got pissed and wanted to strangle her. This lady, high on something, started talking to the clerk about some random bullshit. The clerk looks at me with a “save me” look on his face and I started to laugh. Crack head lady must have heard me and decided that she should probably buy whatever it is she was in line to buy now. Well turns out she forgot what she wanted. After about 2 minutes of talking and thinking (I think it was more talking than anything.) she figures out what she came there for. A grape blunt. Yes, I got stuck behind some lady for about 5 minutes while she tried to remember that she needed a grape blunt to roll a doobie with. After this crazy lady bought said blunt she mumbles something about not being an alcoholic and the stumbled out of the store. I looked at the clerk as she was walking out and we just both shook our heads and laughed. I really hope this lady wasn’t driving.

Surprisingly enough this isn’t the first time I’ve been stuck behind some stooge who doesn’t realize they are a complete retard. What the hell is wrong with people? How hard is it to go into a store, grab what you want to buy, and then stand in line and buy it? It’s a simple concept that I grasped when I was just a wee child.

God I hate people sometimes…And when I say sometimes I mean 90% of the time.

Keep your nose on your face…

Yesterday I went to Best Buy with a friend of mine, but before I went there I had to stop at the grocery store to pick up some garbage bags. So as we were standing in line I asked my buddy what day it was since I can never remember since I work midnights. He tells me the day and the lady standing in line in front of us turns around and looks at me like I just tried to abduct her child. I wanted to punch her right in the neck. Listen lady, if I was talking to you I would have said “Hey big fat bitch in front of me do you think you could buy any more food?” So after that I had to stand in line with a lady who thinks I’m completly crazy just to buy some damn garbage bags.

Then I finally get to Best Buy. I wasn’t sure what I wanted to buy but I looked around at the CDs and they didn’t have anything that I liked that I didn’t have already. So then it was on to movies. After looking at movies for a while I picked up Spun. It was only 10 bucks so I bought it. My buddy and I were behind an older lady while in line. I was reading the back of the DVD and I said “I’m going to watch this mother when I get home.” And the lady in front of us turned around like I just punted an aborted fetus accross the store. Listen lady, I don’t care if you hear a cow being slaughtered behind you. Keep your God damn eyes forward and read the back of your Now That’s What I Call Music volume 28.

What the hell is wrong with people? I don’t say anything offensive or controversial and I get the dirtiest looks I’ve ever gotten. Just keep your noses on your faces you a-holes.

On a side note that has nothing to do with the above blog. I started a little photo-blog type thing where I’m just going to post pictures that I take with my cell phone while I’m out and about. So check that out here. It’s also on my blog roll.

“He don’t remember…”

I just read this story and am a little disgusted.

 First off, this kid RAPED his sister. Unless his sister is some hot ass broad this is NOT OK. (I’m kidding, this is NEVER OK.) What goes through your head just before doing that? And what about afterwards? What a sick kid.

Second, he hit a little kid in the head with a sledge hammer. That is just fucked up. I hate kids and all, but not enough to start bashing their heads in with a giant hammer. Who the hell has sledge hammers just laying around their house?

Third, what’s up with the mom? Does she know how to talk? Can she form a proper sentence? “He don’t remember…” Is NOT RIGHT!! Would you people PLEASE learn how to talk? I just want to start punching necks.

I’m sure video games and rated R movies are to blame for this. I mean, how else would he have gotten this idea?

There is no hope for mankind, seriously we are fucked…..