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Known Fact #103: The Ocean is a Mean Mofo

Known Fact #103: The Ocean is a Mean Mofo.

I am legitimately scared of the ocean. There are so many things in the ocean that can kill or hurt you severely.

– Sharks

Have you seen the movie Jaws? Or Deep Blue Sea? Well I have, and let me tell you; things don’t work out that well for people in these movies. Sharks love the taste of human flesh, it’s a proven fact. I’ve seen it in movies so it has to be true.

– Jelly Fish

These things are crazy. They look like they have no brain or anything. They trick you into thinking they just float around. But that’s not what they’re doing, they are just waiting for people to step foot into the ocean. Take this story for example. 300 people were hurt by jelly fish. THREE HUNDRED! That is a lot of people. You know what you’re supposed to do if you get stung by a jelly fish? Get pissed on. That is gross. You think jelly fish don’t know this? Why do you think they sting people? Because they are sick blobs of jelly with a piss fetish.

– Giant Squid

It’s a squid, but giant. Think about that for a second. Are you done thinking about it? Did you piss yourself? I did. These suckers can get huge and will eat a sperm whale.

Giant SquidThis isn’t a drawing, pictures in the 1400’s looked like this.

Would you want to be eaten by something that looked like that? Neither would I.

– Random Sea Creatures

There are tons of animals in the ocean, and all of them hate people. We haven’t even explored half of the ocean, imagine all of the other animals that have yet to learn that they hate people. God help us all.


24 Responses

  1. When I was a wee one, I decided that I wanted to be a marinebiologist. That was quickly put to a stop when I realized that I am in fact terrified of open water. Even looking into the deep end of the pool where it dips down is enough for me. Haven’t been anywhere other than the bathtub for a long time.

  2. Hahaha. Have you ever seen that movie Open Water? I think that’s what it was called. It was just two people in the middle of the ocean the whole time.

  3. STEVE. Long time no talk, your highness.

    The ocean fucking creeps me too dude. The Ocean and Spiders can both kiss my big brown ass.

  4. No kidding man. It’s been a while for sure.

    Spiders don’t bother me much. But if they were in the ocean then I might shit my pants.

  5. Have you heard of Sea Spiders?

  6. Now that I think about I have seen those.

    I have to use the bathroom now….

  7. Steve you are a pansie ass! When I was like 8…I was out on a beach in cali and went out into the ocean and the next thing I knew, some wave came and knocked me over…i cried and threw a fit…but then went back and taught the ocean a lesson…now it is very nice to me and the animals do not hate me…

  8. brown people don’t like the ocean either, so I am SOOO with you on this one…

    “it’s a squid, but giant”…LOL, yeah, that fucking sucks, haha 🙂

  9. I’m not down with crabs either. Every time I go to the ocean I end up stepping on one and those spikes fuck my foot all up. Luckily, no pinchers have got ahold of me yet.

  10. Amanda – I’m sure the animals really respect you for that. What they are doing is letting you feel safe so you will go out deeper so it’s easier for them to drag you into the undertow.

    Romi – I’m always telling people I’m a bad white person. Maybe I’m brown on the inside?

    T-Rex – Oh man crabs suck. You have to shave all of your pubes off to get rid of them and use special shampoo….Oh you weren’t talking about those kind of crabs?…Oops.

  11. Hells yeah I’ve seen Open Water! That movie scared the fuck out of me because DUDE!!! THAT COULD HAPPEN!!!

  12. Well it was based on a true story. So it did happen.


  14. Hahaha. That is probably a good plan.

  15. Two years ago when we were in Mexico, a couple of us decided it would be a good idea to go body surfing at night. It was pitch black, and the only thing you could see in the water was the waves as they crested and broke. It was crazy…just because you couldn’t see anything but the hotel on the beach.

    About a half hour into it, I started feeling these little pins and needles feelings all over my chest, arms and back. Turns out that a school (or herd, or pod, whatever the hell they are) floated in towards shore and I got stung all over the place by little jellyfish. Since it was Mexico and the middle of the night, I couldn’t find any Benadryl or medicine, so I spent the night wrapped up in a sheet trying to stop the nervous spasms. I woke up in the morning with a band of blisters around my shoulders, back and chest.

    Good times.

  16. Oh man that sucks. You could have had one of your buddies pee on you like you’re in a R Kelly film. That is supposed to stop the stinging.

    Did anyone else get stung?

  17. One other guy got one sting, but evidently I was right in the middle of the bunch of ’em. It wasn’t necessarily the stinging that was bothering me, because by the time I got out of the water and off the beach the toxin had hit my nervous system. I’m not sure it would have done anything but, well, made me smell like piss.

  18. Oh man that sucks.

    Did you feel the sting while you were in the water?

    I’m sure there is a lesson in there somewhere…Haha.

  19. I hear you. Don’t even get me started on that friggin’ white whale- he’s a complete pussy.

  20. Yeah, that Moby Dick is a big jerk.

  21. http://www.underwaterworld.com/

    I believe this proves your theory. And this was in a damn aquarium for all to see.

    I would have to agree. Not a fan of the swimming creepy crawlies.

  22. Was that the shark that tried to eat the other shark? Underwater World is pretty close to my house.

  23. I wouldn’t go…

  24. I’ve never been and I don’t think I’d like it.

    Unless I was drunk of course…

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