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Bad driving habits….

As some of you know I am probably the best driver in the world, and I will be the first to judge you on your driving style. But I’m here today to tell you about some of my driving habits that some people might frown down upon.

I eat while I drive.I’m not talking about like a candy bar or a twinkie. I’m talking about a plate of food. Knife and fork, the whole deal. If you see me driving with a napkin tucked into the front of my shirt you know it’s diner time.

I surf the net on my phone.I have a Motorola Q. I’m not talking about like getting directions and shit like that. I’m looking up sports scores to see if my team covered the spread. And I’m looking up hard core pornography because nothing beats rush hour traffic like seeing some trashy porn star taking a load on her face.

I drink and drive.Hear me out on this one. I don’t drive drunk. But I drive while I’m getting drunk. I start drinking on the way to the party in my car so that when I arrive I am just starting to get buzzed. Makes it so much easier. I love having a kegmeister in my trunk.

I yell at kids in the backseat. But here is the thing…The kids aren’t in my backseat. They are in other peoples cars that happen to be on the same road as me. I will pull up next to them and just start reaming them out. Eventually the other driver gets the picture and turns his car around and goes home.

Going to the bathroom. That’s right, I not only piss while I’m driving but I also take huge ass dumps. I have a modified seat that has a hole that goes all the way to the street so when ever the urge comes I just let it go. Just a little tip, don’t drive behind me the night after I drink a case of beer.

Are there things that you do while you drive that other people frown on?

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16 Responses

  1. You’re the best. This made me laugh out loud 7 times. That’s right – 7 times. Genius.

  2. YES!…I’m pretty excited about that…

    I’m also stoked that I made it to your blog roll….Yes, I notice these things…

  3. lmfao

  4. What about drinking and driving? That’s pretty bad.

  5. Sorry, you said that already. Masturbating? That’s a challenge.

  6. You are a man!

  7. Corki – Heh…Glad you liked it..

    Brock – I usually jerk off while I’m in rush hour traffic looking at the chicks in the car next to me……I get really strange looks…Probably because I’m in a really low car…

    Jim – I do what I can brotha…

  8. I love that you pre-party in your car. That’s hot.

  9. My goodness Steve…this is too hilarious! I almost pissed my pants when you said you have plates of food in your lap while eating.

    As far as my bad driving habits go, I prop my foot up on the dashboard as I’m driving. I like to drive with my knees, and I have a serious bad habit of picking things up off the floor. I know, I know-I’m terrible, but you know you love me anyway.

  10. abarclay – You gotta do what you gotta do!…

    Jennifer – Sometimes a man just has to eat….Prop your foot on the dashboard?…Geeze..Isn’t that uncomfortable?…

  11. Just the idea of yelling at other driver’s kids is absurdly funny.

  12. Its a shame that here in Minnesota people drive with their windows up most of the year….Damn cold winters….

  13. Aww. I’m sure you’ll come up with a clever solution to the problem, or find another way to entertain yourself.

  14. I hope so…

    I guess I could always just swerve into them….That is ALWAYS fun!

  15. For the whole family, even!

  16. Damn right!….Well my whole family…Not the family I’m swerving into…

    But since I don’t care about anyone but myself it all works out…

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